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DUNGEON PROMPTS – SEASON 2, WEEK 6: PURPOSE AND THE ART OF HOLDING BACK

This is the suggested prompt for the challenge this week:

*What is it that you would most like to do with your life?  Are you doing that now?  What is keeping you from achieving your goals?  Do you have an unrealistic idea of success?  Does living a full life have anything to do with being successful?  Tell us about your dreams, and why you are or are not going after them.

elephant sat on the floor

Will I budge & achieve some goals?

This really touched a sore nerve with me, and so I have been procrastinating in what I would write, and did I really want to write anything for this week?  Would it open up wounds or indeed rub salt in to a rawness not even old enough to heal over yet, did I want to face the trials and tribulations that seem to constantly be going on, let alone think about all the things that are so out of reach that I would like to do?

Hindsight is a good thing!

Little did I know that I would end up suffering chronic pain.  What was I doing up until that stage?  I was a stay at home mother, I worked until my 2nd child was born. Due to the nature of my job, being seemingly 7 days on call, there was no escape from the intrusion of staff that would expect me to be at their beck and call.  So I decided enough was enough and gave up my Holistic Therapy business to work from home part time, treating my long standing clients and be a mother 🙂

What better a job than being a mother?  To me there isn’t one, it’s certainly a challenge, I often wonder if I am a ‘natural’ mother, but I digress that is a totally different topic altogether.  But I wouldn’t change it for the world that’s for sure.

Are  there other things I would have wanted to do, or fit in had I know that chronic pain would hit me?

Yes if someone had told me this would happen there would have been more I would liked to have done.  I think we all sit on our laurels, do we live life like it might end tomorrow?  No, most of us don’t.  Do we value things, or take them for granted?  I took a lot for granted, time and mobility to mention just a few, but I think that is the nature of the beast, being humans, modern day life, so many ‘options’ being thrown at us.

I wouldn’t have changed my job, I wouldn’t have changed being a mother.  But maybe I would have done more with my children, yes that is for sure and of course it is something that makes me sad to reflect on now, especially when my youngest says to me, “mummy I wish your back was better then you could come to the park and play football with me”  Stuff like that brings tears to my eyes, but I try to hide it, because I don’t want them to see.

So what am I doing now, am I holding myself back?

I follow a blog where the blogger suffered and still suffers chronic pain herself, yet she has managed to come off the medication and use her mind to focus away from the pain but she leads a very active life unlike before.  Oh gosh do I want to be her and every time I read her blog I feel like I am torturing myself because what she has achieved seems so unreachable.

I try to do small steps at a time.

Firstly

I need a job.  With this ‘situation’ our finances are draining. I’ve spent money regularly on treatments that just ease the pain a little, because my private insurance is rubbish and doesn’t cover things like that.  The NHS will give you something like 6 physio sessions for something that has existed for 3 years and expect hey presto you are better, unfortunately my body has other ideas.

So I have been unable to drive, to do many things, so my husband does the school run, which cuts into a huge chunk of his work day, which means financial strain as well as just being full on for him.

I cannot indulge in being a holistic therapist again, physically I would be impossible, so I have another love that has always been loitering in the back of my head and that is writing.  But you know to get anything in this vocational field you have to have either a ‘qualification’ and or ‘experience’.  I am not going to get the qualification, so am trying to create some kind of credibility through blogs, or something that someone can look at to see what I do.

I have 3 blogs, all on different subject matters, but all take time, and with this, standing and typing comes pain, but I plod on in hope.

elephant moving

I’m getting there, be it slowly

As for physically, I try to push myself.  But this is like walking on a land mine daily.  I posted recently about trying a new exercise, but it set me off, that might be unfair, my body just set off.

You go through the emotions of feeling excited yet nervous that this might be the physical exercise that helps me to establish again some kind of core stability.

You have the exercise then wait with trepidation.  I thought I was doing alright, but the day after my pain levels rocketed up, my chest felt like a tourniquet was inside it and this lasted at least a week which is draining and a set back.

Sometimes I feel this existence is a roller coaster of emotions, I don’t hold back, I am ploughing forwards, but at a very slow pace, a snail’s pace, little achievements others probably would never notice, but I log them in my  mind to return to, to keep my sanity and the ‘failures’ I re-label as “I tried”

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